So we arrived at the hospital 2 hours early. I was so nervous. I was sweating and it was cold out. We got inside the hospital and surgery area was running behind so we had to sit on that lower level you see behind me in the photo. There were so many people. I had to do a bowel cleanse the night before and couldn't eat and my stomach was rumbling. It was so loud and I thought everyone could hear it. LOL. After sitting there for about 5 mins the guard tells the whole room they can head up to surgery center on the 2nd level. We grabbed my bags and I felt like I was going to puke. I had to wait in line to sign in and I just felt like I was going in slow motion. The kids were back at the hotel with Milton's cousin and they were all I could think about. I felt a little more relaxed about the kids staying in this nice hotel verses a cheap one. My dad's client gave us a timeshare for free when he heard why my dad was coming to town. All week I worried about the kids being stuck in a small hotel room with nothing to do. The hotel timeshare was huge and beautiful almost like a house. I made sure his cousin had everything she needed. I am a worry wart about my kids I've always been super attached and don't like people to watch my kids. The thing is I felt 100% comfortable with his cousin watching the kids. When I was sitting in the waiting room I felt a sense of peace about it.
After I signed in I sat down at this table but, I didn't feel like talking much so I decided to paint my names teal so I would look pretty going in. It wasn't the best idea now looking back but, at the time I thought heck if I was going to be in a hospital gown why not look cute doing it. LOL. I even brought a bunch of hats because I love wearing crochet hats and I've yet to figure out how to make them. I know it is probably very easy and while I recover maybe I should.
I hear "Delane Rineer" and my stomach dropped. The lady brought me into a little consultation room as Milton waited in the other room. I was suppose to sign some papers. It was strange talking to this lady about an advanced directive. She was very nice and so far everyone was very nice and made me feel comfortable. After I signed the papers I walked back out and before I could even sit down this lady says "come with me they're waiting for you" I didn't even have time to hug Milton. I was scared and again when I'm scared I crack jokes. I said something funny as we walked back. It clearly wasn't that funny because I can't remember what i said. It was so clean and fresh when we walked behind these doors. She walked me down a hall and into this room where this nurse stood in a blue nurses outfit. The room felt cold but, warm at the same time. The walls were white with big ole medical stuff surrounding the room. I almost started to cry right then and there. I held it back.
She asked me to sit down and asked me a series of questions. My nerves got worse. All I could think about was if my Dad was going to make it to the hospital in time for me to give him a hug. He let a little bit after we did from the hotel and I was just worried. I wanted to see my little sister,little brother and big sister before I went in. So many thoughts in my head. It was scary. She was very nice. She then told me it was time to change my clothing and pee in a cup. I felt overwhelmed and when I stepped into the bathroom I choked up a little bit and had a moment to myself. This was my first real surgery. I was most worried about not waking back up and I was so worried about waking up from surgery and being in pain. I didn't want to feel pain. I hate being in pain and I will be the first to admit I am a baby.
I walked back in the room and changed my clothing, even down to my sock I had teal socks they gave me to use. It was a sign. I didn't want to take off my Fxck Cancer wrist bands. I had to. It was the first time I took them off since I put them on a month ago. I laid back down and in walked the guys who said they're going to help me with pain. I was cracking jokes with them. Trying to make them feel comfortable with me and to make them feel like I wasn't just another person coming in. I wanted them to see me as a human not just another client. I wanted them to be concerned for my life as I was. If that makes sense. There were two younger guys and a female. They were all very nice. They talked me through it and they were going to shoot me in the back to help me not be in pain after the surgery. I trusted them at that moment. I had no other choice. They had me all set up and ready to get shot with the needle. The lady tried to distract me with conversation and I let her know I was so scared. I told her that I was so anxious and just worried. They assured me that I would be ok and that they would make sure I was ok. The epidural wasn't so bad. It really wasn't. I laid back down and in walks my family. I looked at the clock and it was like tick tock tick tock. Slow motion. I saw my dad. That is when I got choked up. He asked them if he could pray for me. I could see it on his face, he was nervous. He was scared and I was so worried about him when in just moments I was going to be wheeled into a room and put under. My older sister walks up to me to hug me and she started to cry. I remember it so clearly. I was scared, she was scared. I told her I loved her. I really do love my sister so much. Her and I have had an up and down relationship our whole life but, at that moment when she was hugging me I felt a sense of peace. I felt like everything was going to be ok. I didn't want to cry in front of all these people but, I was and I couldn't hold back tears. My best friend comes up to me and I said "you smell like weed"... We laughed and hugged each other. She is such an important person in my life. She has been in my life such a short time but, the connection is really there. The love I have for her is so special. She loves me so much and I could tell. She was determined to be there for me before I went in. I look at her and I was so thankful for her. I was so thankful she walked into my life. She is an amazing friend.
Then my little sister comes up to me...My sweet little sister hannah who when she was born I was 17 years old. She was so small. She is taller than me but, I am still her big sister. She is so beautiful. She hugged me and was crying. I just wanted to comfort her. I wanted to tell her it was going to be ok. I love that little girl. I haven't been a huge part of her life because my family lives in Texas but, that doesn't mean I am not here for her. I just wanted her to know I was going to be ok. She is such a special kid and she bonded with my little Scarlet the whole time she was here. What an amazing and beautiful sister I have. She could be a model. She has such a kind heart and I love that about her. Thank You Hannah for being there for me on that day. Then it was Milton's turn. This was it. He has to be strong for me. I started to feel out of it. I was crying to him and telling him to take care of the babies and raise them right if something was to happen to me and I never woke up. He hugged me tight. He told me he loved me. I told him give my little sister and dad a hug and make sure they're ok. I didn't want to see people sad about me. I never like to see people sad about me. I don't even like to see people sad.
I don't remember much from here out. It seems like everything happened so fast after this and it was kind of a blur and still is. I remember getting into the OR and saying "wow it's so big in this room". There was this young guy he was pretty amazing. I just remember his gentle voice and telling me it was going to be ok and he was going to take care of me. He put on a mask and I don't remember anything. I was out like a light. The next thing I remember is "Delane..Surgery is over time to wake up..Delane" and I saw that one guys face with a mask on. His eyes were this piercing blueish green color and I felt instant pain. The pain is so hard to even describe for you to understand. I was so out of it. I was crying "help me someone help me..what's going on this hurts so bad..Help me..Where's my family, where's my kids!!!" I remember crying for a good hour. There was this nurse sitting in front of my and I was sobbing. Everything around me was not something I recognized. I didn't know where I was. I was so scared. It hurt so bad. Remember when I wrote about those guys that were going to make sure I was taken care of pain wise. Remember how they said they would make sure I was ok. Well they didn't. It wasn't on purpose but, the epidural that they put in didn't work. I was not numb waking up. I felt all the pain and it felt as if my stomach was ripped wide open. I cried and cried.."wheres my dad...Dad where are you..Help dad..Dad I am hurting" It was so scary and unreal. The very thing I was scared about happened. Waking up feeling pain was the one thing I didn't want to happen and it did. I was so sick. Things are all still a blur. My family wasn't anywhere around. The nurse lady just sat there and the "pain guys" gave me something in my IV to try and make it better. It felt like hours that I was sitting there crying. Gosh I even hurt just typing about this that's how bad it was.
Soon after...or what seemed to be like forever they wheeled me into my room in the hosptial. Again that was all such a blur. I kept asking them " where's my family?" "I want to see my kids!" I was repeating it like a broken record. I didn't have my phone because Milton had it with him so I couldn't call. I sat in the room for at least 3 hrs and no family. Turns out they were all sitting in the surgery center and no one advised them my surgery was over and that I was in my room to be seen. I was in the room crying. Crying and Crying. I just wanted my family and my best friend.
All of a sudden I hear the sound of Milton when he walks. I could hear voices in the hall. I said "STOP!" Milton peeked around the curtain and I said "before anyone comes in I want to see my babies and hug them". He brought them in and I was so happy to see their faces. Scarlet hugged me and loved me. Dexter looked scared and he is my sensative boy. He said "mommy are you ok?" I told him I was ok and I loved him. Draven..Well Draven was very scared and unsure of what was happening. I huged him and that's about all he wanted to do with me. Scarlet held my hand looked at me and said "mommy are you gonna be ok" I said "scarlet the doctor took the cancer out of mommy!" She said "so you're not gonna die like Grandpa Milton?" I started to cry instantly and told her no the doctor said I should be ok. What I wasn't going to tell was that we aren't sure what is happening. The doctor pulled Milton aside after I was out of surgery and said he took out the mass and the lymph nodes. He said the lymph nodes were enlarged and discolored and when he sent a freeze test in it came back negative for cancer in my lymph nodes. He told Milton not to get ahead of ourselves because that doesn't mean the lymph nodes don't have cancer in them. We are awaiting pathology report to get the final results. I can't wait to get the news. Depending on the news we get that will determine how aggressive the treatment will have to be. I may or may not need chemo and radiation but, we aren't out of the woods yet. They said it takes about a week for the results so I am hoping to get some news before Christmas. That would be a wonderful gift. I will blog the hospital stay in another blog entry. Time for me to sit back and relax and watch some tv. Thank you for reading.
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